Breastfeeding Chronicles
Part 1: ClusterClusterClusterfff...eeding
Let me give you a peak into my journal entry at 7 weeks postpartum:
Breastfeeding. One of the most physically and mentally demanding efforts I’ve ever done. It took me a month to have the mental space to learn how to pump. I learned what it means to feel engorged and realized the symbiotic nature of breastfeeding: I need her to feed as much as she needs me. I learned the stress of oral ties and cluster feeds and the double-edged sword of providing a bottle and skipping a session. I’ve had fabric tug-of-wars with nursing covers with hijab. I realized that even if I feed her before we go out, she will most definitely want to feed again the second we arrive anywhere. Food is always cold and coffee has to be thrown back or it won’t get finished. Trying new positions is a battle and ending up in the wrong one is weeks-long back aches. I learned that sometimes I have to convince her to latch because she’s so inconsolable she can’t think straight (and neither can I). Fast letdowns are dreaded as you watch your child choke on the gush of milk and retreat from you even when she’s starving. Her hands flail and scratch my face as we both cry over the difficulty of nourishing a little human.
And most people just don’t realize the effect of this demand. The world doesn’t accommodate a nursing mom. Pumps are pushed and formula is a tantalizing alternative. Lactation consultants are available but when you’ve had no sleep and your body is drained, even sending a message can feel like an uphill climb. People watch you struggle and assume you don’t know what you’re doing and offer unsolicited advice over the screams of your child.
I’m drained. But I choose this. Difficulty doesn’t mean hated. And that’s the theme of motherhood so far. It’s so d*mn difficult, but Allah put an innate need to choose and want it. From the first contraction you feel the pain and are tugged towards it.
And so we go on and pray it becomes easier.
It’s been 10 months since that entry. Spoiler alert: It did become easier.
Follow me on the journey in my next post. Stay tuned, inshallah.
